Closure

Well this has been a very busy month that did not really allow me time to sit down and write. But figured I needed to post something soon.

  For the past few days I have been searching for a sense of closure. 18 years ago around this time of year I was told my father had died. My cousin had come up around Thanksgiving time to tell us the news.  He didn't say why he was visiting at first, so I thought maybe my father had come with him to surprise me. I kept expecting my father to come out of hiding and give me a cool present. Instead my cousin informed my family that my father was hit by a car while he was crossing the street and he ended up dying from his injuries. I was 12 at the time and my initial reaction was to burst out laughing. The news was so devastating I didn't not know how to react. I ended up just numbing myself.  

  Due to circumstance involving his estate, his family did not think it would be safe for me to attend his funeral or visit his grave. Apparently my aunt wanted my father’s money and was not above “getting me out of the way” in order to claim it. This means I have never seen or visited my father’s grave. This also means I can't ask my family for help. If I do travel to the grave site no one can know I'm there. I am ashamed that I am related to someone so greedy they are willing to have their own niece killed. I don't care about the money, I just want closure.

   When I was younger I had hoped he faked his death and I would find him and I would finally have the relationship with my father that I had always wanted. As I grew older my hope faded and I finally accepted he was really dead. I had a lot of anger about that. I felt cheated. "It's not FAIR!" is something I would yell at the universe through angry tears. 

  The past few days I have been having a strong need to put closure on that part of my life. The problem is he is not buried in the United States. He is buried in Mexico and that is about as much as I really know for sure. I was told he was buried in Monterey, but his death certificate indicates that he is buried in Zacatecas. I have no idea how to go about finding him and I have be searching the web for hours looking for clues. 

  I tried to see if there might be an online data base for gravesites and I stumbled across a website called billiongraves.com. I did not find my father’s info but I did learn that they do ask for help transcribing graves. This is where you type in all the info on the graves making it easier for people to find ancestors and loved ones. I got hooked.

   I have spent hours transcribing headstones, mostly military, and every one was a person with their own stories. Some of them short, like the day old baby, some of them odd like the “Beloved Wife” born 100 years ago but with no death date on the grave stone. 

  My hope is there is someone like me, but fluent in Spanish, who will transcribe my father’s headstone so I can locate it.  I feel that chapter of my life will not close until I see his grave stone for myself. I need to touch the stone. I need to trace his name with my hands. I need to grieve. Until that time I will go through grave stone after grave stone and hope I can provide that closure for someone else.