Closure

Well this has been a very busy month that did not really allow me time to sit down and write. But figured I needed to post something soon.

  For the past few days I have been searching for a sense of closure. 18 years ago around this time of year I was told my father had died. My cousin had come up around Thanksgiving time to tell us the news.  He didn't say why he was visiting at first, so I thought maybe my father had come with him to surprise me. I kept expecting my father to come out of hiding and give me a cool present. Instead my cousin informed my family that my father was hit by a car while he was crossing the street and he ended up dying from his injuries. I was 12 at the time and my initial reaction was to burst out laughing. The news was so devastating I didn't not know how to react. I ended up just numbing myself.  

  Due to circumstance involving his estate, his family did not think it would be safe for me to attend his funeral or visit his grave. Apparently my aunt wanted my father’s money and was not above “getting me out of the way” in order to claim it. This means I have never seen or visited my father’s grave. This also means I can't ask my family for help. If I do travel to the grave site no one can know I'm there. I am ashamed that I am related to someone so greedy they are willing to have their own niece killed. I don't care about the money, I just want closure.

   When I was younger I had hoped he faked his death and I would find him and I would finally have the relationship with my father that I had always wanted. As I grew older my hope faded and I finally accepted he was really dead. I had a lot of anger about that. I felt cheated. "It's not FAIR!" is something I would yell at the universe through angry tears. 

  The past few days I have been having a strong need to put closure on that part of my life. The problem is he is not buried in the United States. He is buried in Mexico and that is about as much as I really know for sure. I was told he was buried in Monterey, but his death certificate indicates that he is buried in Zacatecas. I have no idea how to go about finding him and I have be searching the web for hours looking for clues. 

  I tried to see if there might be an online data base for gravesites and I stumbled across a website called billiongraves.com. I did not find my father’s info but I did learn that they do ask for help transcribing graves. This is where you type in all the info on the graves making it easier for people to find ancestors and loved ones. I got hooked.

   I have spent hours transcribing headstones, mostly military, and every one was a person with their own stories. Some of them short, like the day old baby, some of them odd like the “Beloved Wife” born 100 years ago but with no death date on the grave stone. 

  My hope is there is someone like me, but fluent in Spanish, who will transcribe my father’s headstone so I can locate it.  I feel that chapter of my life will not close until I see his grave stone for myself. I need to touch the stone. I need to trace his name with my hands. I need to grieve. Until that time I will go through grave stone after grave stone and hope I can provide that closure for someone else.

Dream: Zombies

 I was going to post this back in October because of the theme, but my instincts told me to go with the Shadow Pool first. Like I mentioned in the last post about about dreams, there are certain themes that keep reappearing. One of those themes are zombies.

  Let me start by explain that I love zombie movies. I find them to be a metaphor about modern society. You have the zombies, used to be human but are now creatures that need to constantly consume. To me this represents the mass of people who refuse to think for themselves and go through their daily life constantly "consuming" in order to feed their insatiable "hunger". Then there is a group of survivors who have to battle through the hoard in order to find safety, usually a remote place in the wilderness. The survivors represent the "misfits" in our society. The "zombies" are constantly trying to destroy and convert these misfits.

  I have had several dreams involving zombies but they have all been a little different. One of them was set in a universe where the zombie outbreaks were being contained and controlled by the military. There had been the initial outbreak that destroyed most of civilization but things got back into control. There were still smaller outbreaks but because of military intervention the outbreaks were getting smaller and smaller and causing less damage. My dream took place around the fourth or fifth outbreak. So it was less of a how to get to safety situation and more of a wait-it-out-until-help-comes situation. I found myself being chased up a stair way by a group of zombies, but then there was another group coming down the stairs. I had to turn around and find a way down the stairs. I somehow swung myself around on the banister and was able to jump over the zombies and made it downstairs to the ally just as a military tank rolled in and saved the day.

 Another memorable dream had to do with swamp zombies. Yup that's right, zombies that rose out of the swamps, like they do. There would be no military intervention in this dream and we had to find a way to fight them ourselves. I remember there was a house were the children and those who couldn't fight were staying in. We had them hide in rooms and closets and I was passing out objects like broom sticks and bats so that incase the zombies got into the house they could protect themselves. Then we boarded up the doors and windows. I recall being thankful I wasn't in the house, since sitting and waiting would be more agonizing then being on the front lines (not a fan of Cersei, but we do agree on this aspect, and a GoT reference was bound to make it in this blog eventually).  I began looking for weapons to use. I eventually found a katana (because those are always lying around near swamps) and got ready to fight. Those of us fighting were standing on the bank when the zombies started to come out of the water. I woke up somewhere in the middle of a fight, but I do remember kicking ass.

  The last one I will share was the most recent (I've had more than these three zombie dreams but I only remember bits and pieces of the others). This was also a humorous dream. The zombies in this dream loved pizza. Sure they enjoyed brains but they could not resist pizza. The outbreak happened while I was working in an office building. As I was running down the hallways, anytime I saw a zombie I would yell "There's pizza in the break room!" and the zombie would change course and head to the break room. I was able to make my way outside with a group of other survivors. We ordered a bunch of pizza to be delivered to the office building hoping that would keep the zombies occupied. There was only one zombie that didn't care about pizza. I stumbled upon him outside of the building and he seemed to be working on some sort of device. I informed him of the pizza situation in the break room but he just stared at me with his evil zombie eyes. It scared the crap out of dream me and I got out of there as quickly as possible.

 Zombies in dreams can mean that I'm feeling overwhelmed by situations in my waking life. Yet in the dreams I find a way to overcome them. The first dream was really about letting larger outside forces deal with situation, I just needed to find a way to cope until then. The second dream was about going face to face with the overwhelming situation instead of hiding and waiting for it to pass. The third dream was really looking at what seemed like an overwhelming situation and seeing that it really wasn't. Even the one zombie that wasn't into pizza wasn't really my problem as long as I didn't go sticking my nose in his business. And sometimes the answer to all your problems is pizza, for everyone. (There was also this weird purple pizza with sparkles as toppings it was called the Wizard Pizza, I have no idea what that means but I'm inspired to make it one day!)

It kinda looked like this but very large and edible. 

This is Halloween

  Genrally on Saturdays I post and update on my cross stitch project, but since today is Halloween I wanted to forgo the cross stitch and reflect on this day. Plus this gives me more time to catch up on my cross stitch work. Next week I will be going to a wedding and I not going to be able to work on my project as much as I would like to, but hopefully having two weeks to work on it will mean I will still be able do my regular Saturday post.

  Halloween has been one of my favorite Holidays since I can remember. My first couple of Halloweens were a hit and miss. One Halloween my mother made me a ghost costume from my dad's old shirt, but I got really sick and couldn't go trick-or-treating. The halloween after that my mom made me this amazing Snow White costume but before we were to go out my cousins and uncle, who were all dressed as vampires scared me so bad I was afraid to leave the house. Thanks guys.

  Halloweens after that were pretty fun. There is a kind of magic that happens around that time of year. There is even a special smell to the night. I'm not talking about the smell of roasting pumpkins, but a cool, crisp, fall smell to the air. Sometimes this smell would arrive in early September, other times not until right before Halloween. I have not been able to smell it since I moved north and it only adds to the many reason why southern California is way better than northern California (not having to carry a sweater with you all year is also on that list).

  I stopped trick-or-treating Freshman year of High School and Halloweens after that were spent at parties, in rehearsal/performances, working, Rocky Horror Midnight showings, or beach. These activities were fun but they never held the same magic as trick-or-treating.

Cutest tiger ever!

Examining her prize.

  My daughter who is now four (she will be turning five on December 23rd but thats a story for another entry), is super excited about Halloween. Her first Halloweens were a little more successful then my own. Her very first Halloween her father and I picked out a tiger costume. According to Chinese astrology she was born in the year of the Tiger and since she is half Chinese we thought it would be cute. The community where we lives was having a little Halloween celebration and since Alice, my daughter, was too young to trick-or-treat we decided that would be a fun thing for her to do. We decided to enter her into the costume contest for her age group and she won!

  The next year she was old enough to pick out her own costume. She went as Minnie Mouse, then Princess Sophia, then she took a break from Disney and went as a witch. This year she has returned to the Disney theme and is going as Elsa. Her dad even bought her an Elsa wig and I said I would do her make-up. This is a special treat since I myself do not wear make-up on a regular basis so it's viewed in our home as something only done on special occasions.  I even have the perfect purple MAC eyeshadow bought back before they started animal testing (boo MAC, boo you used to be my favorite) for her.

    This year is also another special treat since she will be attending her first Halloween Party complete with a Costume Parade followed by Trick-or-Treating. I've also decided to bake pumpkin chocolate chip cupcakes since I have always felt that they taste exactly like Halloween! I can't say I miss grown up Halloween since I've had a good decade of those and instead of waking up to a bag of candy you wake up with a hangover and lingering memories of bad decisions.  So off I go to party with a bunch of kids, Trick-or Treat with my spawn, then fall asleep to my annual viewing of Stanley Kubrick's The Shinning. I wish all of you a Happy Halloween.

P.S. I believe there is a special place in hell for people who smash pumpkins that are not their own, and a very very horrible part of hell for anybody that would hurt or kill a black cat.

My Titanium Heart

  I didn't get to see my father very often, but when I did he always brought me a gift. One time he brought me a pouch made of deer skin (pictured below) and an arrangement of stones. I remember there was an amethyst (my favorite at the time since it reminded me of a grape Jolly Rancher), snow flake obsidian, hematite, turquoise and few others I don't remember. Through the years I've lost most of those stones, but others have come along to take their place in the pouch. One of these is a rose quartz heart.

Left to right: rose quartz, moss agate, moon stone

  The heart was given to me after a traumatic event (one I'm not ready to share here), and it's been with me for the past 12 years. Pink has never really been my color, but when I found out what gave the rose quartz it's cotton candy color, I fell in love with it. The color came from titanium or iron.  To me, that was bad ass that such a soft color came from alloys known for their strength. Since then that stone goes pretty much every where with me.

  I also learned that rose quartz helps to support love; of the self, nature, art, and others. It is also used to help open the heart chakra. A chakra I'd suspected was either closed and/or blocked a few years ago. I've felt this charka bloom or open up in the past year and at times it's been painful. Allowing this chakra to open means feeling. Everything. Immensely. I'll admit there have been times where I'll be moved by a strong emotion and find myself crying, any kind of strong emotion such as love, sorrow, gratitude, or agony. This was not something I ever really allowed myself to do. To feel so openly and completely. For so long my feelings where like dragons, strong, fierce, and hard to control.  The only way I could cope was to suppress. That path would never lead to peace. So I went and found one that would. I've been carrying this stone with me for about a year and in that year a lot of love has come my way.

  I've never been the kind of girl that fantasized about love. I find romance novels funny, romantic movies boring, and the whole being "in love with love" nauseating. In my own fairytales I'm not a princess waiting for "my one true love", but a brave warrior giving my troops an inspiring speech as the dawn approaches.  Then I ride my horse (or wolf) into battle, sword (or spear) held high, while I'm yelling, "Today's a good day to die!"

If you're going to call me princess it better be Mononoke. 

 To find myself in my own little love story came as a pleasant surprise. This was love that grew roots deep into me and blossomed into something beautiful. The kind of love that heals and soothes. That when we are together it brings rest to the sleepless. A love that over flows my heart and spreads warmth down to the deepest, coldest parts of myself. Parts that had not felt that warmth in a very long time. The hard, icy layer I had placed over my own heart for protection so many years ago, began to crack and fall away. I find myself bursting into songs like "I Could Have Danced All Night", "Goodnight My Love", and "Once Upon a Dream". My spirit has become softer. Lighter. Like a butterfly (gotta stick with the theme). A soft kiss on the top of my head while I peruse the beer aisle will all but make me swoon. The sound of his breathing as he slips effortlessly asleep in my arms brings a smile to my face.

   I'm very thankful for my titanium heart. A constant reminder that one can be strong and light at the same time. I'm also thankful for the love in my life. The love I'm able to give, the love so generously received from me, and the immense about of love that is given me in return.

Cross Stitch and Chakras: Manipura

  I had started on this pattern back when I was still stitching the second chakra and ended up losing that pattern when I lost the sacral chakra pattern. I was in no hurry to start another pattern especially after the debacle with the last piece. I gave myself a day off from cross stitching and then willed myself to sit down and start working again.

  I have always had issues with this chakra and even when planning the pattern for piece after the sacral chakra, I actually jumped straight to the the heart chakra pattern. I had completely forgotten this chakra. Maybe it's because I've never really been a fan of yellow. Or maybe I had issues with the chakra.  Manipura translates into "City of Jewels"  and is the chakra of will power. As I have been researching this chakra I have also found that this is were emotional trauma and pain are stored, creating blockages. I may or may not get into the cause of the emotional pain and trauma, but I know I have a lot that still needs to be release. When I was younger I would get very bad stomach aches when I got really anxious (I'm talking doubled over in pain) and when I suffer panic attacks I often throw up. Unblocking and balancing this chakra is going to be no easy task. I was not looking forward to staring this piece.

  In order to avoid the mistakes from the last two pieces, I really had to slow down and go back to basics. Even thought I had made sure that the pattern was correct before starting, I still found myself making errors.  I found that I was easily losing my place on the pattern and that was the cause of the mistakes. So I started marking the row I was working on in the pattern with bright red dots. This seems like a "no duh" solution, but in my arrogance (and I have a lot of that), I thought I was more advanced. Once again I was humbled, and I went back to the basics. Slowly going row by row, marking my progress as I went. Even though this slowed me down, the result was finished piece with less
 
  This is how I am going to have to deal with my past pain and trauma. I'm going to have to be patient with myself and allow myself a slow but steady healing.  While I have learned lessons about creating cross stitch patterns and making the final product, I amazed at all the other lessons I'm learning as well. I have also felt myself growing in the past three weeks. I have been eating better (cooking my meals from scratch and incorporating more vegetables), sleeping better, and consuming less caffeine. Who knew that a cross stitch project could help me so much on my path to inner peace. : )

I don't know if perfection will ever be achieved but this got me one step closer.

Dreams: Shadow Pool

  Dreaming has always been very important to me. I pay very close attention to the symbols and recurring themes, and I try to learn whatever lesson is being taught to me. Some dreams fade upon waking and I only get snippets. Others stay with me for years. Then there are specific places or symbols that I keep returning to.

     One of the symbols that keeps recurring is what I like to call the Shadow Pool. The pool as no specific shape or size but there are aspects that are always the same. The pool is always a little dirty. There are either leaves floating on top or algae spots on the bottom. The reason the pool is never completely clean is that nobody has swam in it for a long time, until me. No matter what the pool looks like, dream me always wants to go swimming. Once I get into the pool I realize I am not alone. I begin to see shadows swimming under the water or out of the corner of my eye. In one dream they became sharks. After the shadows appear, I understand why no one wants to go swimming.

  I have researched the meaning of swimming pools and I agree that it is a symbol for my feelings. I have always had a difficult time with my feelings, expressing them and trying to understand them. When the Shadow Pool appears it's usually because I need to acknowledge my feelings. This leads to why the pool has not been used in awhile, because I have not explored my feelings for a long time. Because of my neglect, negative feelings (symbolized by the leaves and algae) have entered the pool and need to be dealt with. 

  The shadows seem pretty unique to me, as far as I can find, but I think I know what they represent. They are the much darker deeper negative feelings. The feelings that I pushed deep down inside, since I was much to young to know how to handle them. Dark, ugly, shadow feelings. These feelings scared me when I was younger and still scare me now. Yet if I am ever able to have the crisp clean water in that pool I must handle them now, at a time when I finally have the tools and a little more wisdom.

  While understanding the negative aspects of the Shadow Pool I must also recognize the positive aspects. The pool has never been empty. The water may not be clean and perfect but it has always been there.  I don't think I have every truly felt empty, and I am thankful for this. Even after I stopped being a Christian I had expected there to be an emptiness, like I was told there would be if I left the faith. But the emptiness didn't come. I may have felt lost for awhile but never empty. I finally found a path that felt true to me.  I now I have been able to feel the peace and connection with the spirit I never found with organized religion.

 Another positive aspect is the dream me is always willing to go swimming. Eager in fact. That no matter the condition of the pool, I at least try to overcome my fear of the shadows. I know this means that I am ready to take on these dark shadow feelings when I'm in the waking world.

 I haven't had a Shadow Pool dream in awhile, but I did have a "pool" dream last week. I was in my bathing suit and anxious to head out to a pool to go swimming, but something kept stopping me. I remember getting frustrated since it was such a beautiful day and I heard that the pool water was clean, crisp, and blue. I never saw the pool, so I can't say for sure if the Shadow Pool is really gone yet. All I know now is that there is a promise of clean water, and I am dealing with my feelings on a more regular basis. Taking care of the pool, so to speak.



  

Cross Stitch and Chakras: Svadhisthana

   So in my last post about my current cross stitch project (seven main chakras) I talk about how making the second pattern was much easier since I had leaned from my mistakes. That was until, due to user error (that would be me), that pattern got deleted when I was about two thirds of the way done stitching. FML.Needless to say I was in a pickle.

  The thought of starting a whole new pattern from scratch seemed so daunting it made me want to forgo the whole project. But I had already put in so much time (and supplies) that giving up seemed like a waste. I had to get creative. It's a good thing that the sacral chakra, or Svadhisthana (say that three times fast) is the charka of creativity. It is also known as the sexual chakra but that may be a post for another time.

  I had taken some screen shots of the pattern while I was working on it, but the screen shots only showed bits and pieces and did not include all the errors I had corrected. I had to use this incomplete pattern and attempt to use it to finish my piece. Unlike a pencil drawing, I would not be able to just wing something and erase it if I didn't like it. I had to visualize the missing pieces of the pattern in my head and then try my best to recreate that on the cloth. And I would pretty much have to commit to the final project. Taking out that many stitches would be a waster and it would be hard on the cloth.

  Because of this daunting task, I admit that I had to force myself to finish.  I made myself sit down and struggle with this obstacle. I told myself, "Whatever happens, happens. No it won't be perfect, but at least you can say you finished it." Before I knew it I was done. Like my first piece in this series, the finished product is soooooo not perfect. But once again I learned some hard lessons.

   I thought this piece was going to be easier cause I had planned it out better than my last, but an unexpected hiccup threw my plans out the window.  This happens in life too and it was a great reminder that even when every thing goes to shit, to not give up and to get creative with problem solving. It was also a reminder that I need to keep moving forward with my art even if I don't "feel" like doing it. Art requires discipline, whether it be writing, acting, dancing,painting, or drawing. In order to grow in your art form you have to keep doing it. In acting conservatory we were told that a professional is someone who will do their craft even if they don't "feel" like it. Well I didn't feel like writing this, nor did I feel like finishing my piece, but I did. And I'm glad.

And here it is. Perfect in it's imperfection, or whatever.